Guilty thoughts

I don't want to live to see my father die
nor my mother, nor my sisters nor my brothers.
I don't want to be the one to sit idly by
or be disloyal to the others.

I don't want to outlive my husband
I don't want to outlive my children
I don't want to be their oppressor
but their comforter and friend.

Learn from the past, live in the present
prepare for tomorrow.
Try to think every choice through.
Its impossible to avoid all pain and sorrow.
But making good choices is the best thing we can do.

I'm not the wisest person
there has ever been.
I make tremendous blunders
every now and then.
And sometimes it seems I'm trapped forever
in a pit of dark despair
and I've broken what I love the most
beyond all repair.

I am buried deep within a mountain of shame.
I cringe when I hear someone calling me by name.
And I feel too unclean to be touched.
And the burden I carry seems too much.

So I run and I hide myself away,
put off my burdens for another day.
Some future time when
I will pick them up again
and do what I now can't do...
carry them through.