27 December 2015

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Yesterday was Saturday. I ran a lot of errands and helped my mother with her self expression videos. I don't design or make the videos, she does that.  I had to train her on it because her desire to express herself is so great.  I cooperate the best I can, trying to cope with the technical difficulties that arise. I finally had to compromise between Powerpoint and Movie Maker.  Some of the other programs are too much for my mother .

My grandfather held on to his ability to function by making things with his hands and gardening.  It was the only way he could reach my grandmother and maintain access to his memories of her after she died. My mother's memories have been slipping and slipping without my father here to keep them alive. Thank goodness she has contact with her sister.  They are reviving each other's memories. It helps them hold on.

I only feel like dying some days. It seems there is no place in this world I can feel alive or like I want to go on living, as though my life force were being sucked out of my body.

I wonder if you will be at church.  I wonder if I will see you.

I've been living a half life for years. In seven years I will never see him or think of him again.  In seven years a lot can happen. I haven't seen my two children for a long time now.  I don't think they even care that I exist.

I have lost faith in a lot of things. I've lost a lot of faith in leaders and the people who raise them into positions of leadership. I have lost faith in judges, police and family, in people generally.  It is a bad thing to lose faith that way.  What if I met God sometime and mistook Him for a regular person and treated Him in a faithless manner?

That would not be good.  I wish my complaining spirit would hush and I could feel faith and purpose. 

I am glad every time I see you even if there is no hope for us.