Some thoughts

I have reduced some of my pile of despair here
 It is out in the dumpsters waiting for the garbage trucks
I just might break out the pom poms and cheer for them when they come

I love people who take my troubles away...
I think of the chaos around me as death
Do I want to leave this behind me for someone else to clean up when I die?
I am afraid of that
I don't want to leave messes of any kind behind me
It is something I have always worried about without knowing really what to do about it
I think I started worrying about it when we were little and Grandpa died and we saw him lying there at his funeral  and then at the cemetery.

Last year some of those feelings I had as a little girl came back
because we went to Idaho to put flowers on Grandpa and Grandma Tracy  It was very peaceful there

I have feelings sometimes of hanging over the edge of forever as though I am going to fall off the edge and keep falling and falling
I think if I leave a mess behind me that my spirit will feel stuck to it and I will come back and haunt it wanting to do something about it without the power to lift things with my hands

 Sometimes I walk into a place that has very intense feelings in it
Like a pressure place only nothing is visibly wrong there
Some places are restful and comforting
Some places feel like they are waiting patiently
for the return of Jesus probably

 I think if/when I have a yard I will fill it with soup ingredients
 and always have a crockpot of soup ready to dip a ladle into it
 I like the strong and bitter herbs
 Lavendar, rosemary, thyme, sage
 I'd want tomatoes and peppers
 onions, garlic, probably squash
 Watermelons and cucumbers, but you can't grow them in the same yard or you wind up with cumelons
 Lavendar keeps a lot of bugs away
 especially moths
and it was always used as an ingredient in medicines and soap and shampoo

I want to live in a dome home
Without a house of my own I can have all the wild dreams I want even castles but I never dream of castles. They would be a headache to maintain
I saw castles in Spain when I was there
One owner was using the grand ballroom/assembly hall to house cows
Another castle had been converted into apartments with lots of people living in them
 I always know that whatever I dream up and build will be what I leave behind me
I look at my kids and wonder if what I leave behind for them would be good for them
I wish I had something to leave them besides a world that looks down on autism and homeless people

I wish I could reach the dream that our ancestors were trying to build
I am always looking for my ancestors and relatives.
I feel more grounded knowing where they are
Like I have a place in history
 Like we all have a place in history

My kids have been bugging to go to the
Painted Desert and the Grand Canyon
 Eek
I am not really prepared to cater to all the itchy feet
but I always had them myself
I need to put my itchy feet to better use than wandering the earth
but traveling can be a very inspiring thing

 People don't do nothing even if they look like they are doing nothing
 They are having adventures in their minds even if they can't go anywhere else
That is how books and buildings and other things come into being
because people are almost incapable of doing nothing
unless they have passed away
and then we know they are somewhere else doing something or wishing they could do something.