10 April 2016

I'll be going to church but I don't expect to see you there today.  But I will keep out of your way.  I will stay out of everyone's way. For years, it has been hard for me to be there.  So I stay in a place that is mostly out of the way. It has always been like that.  My ancestors made the journey west for the purpose of living peacefully.  I think peace is a good thing.

I prefer to be peaceful with you and toward you.  If my marriage had been peaceful I never would have left it.  I do not seek after debates and irate discussions.  I do believe in standing against oppressive situations in the sense that I believe in suppressing those who oppress.

I am certainly not minded to enter into another relationship where controlling and manipulation exist. I most certainly cannot force you or anyone else to love me.

I think you are entitled to love whom you want to.  I never presume to think you could love me, and I try to avoid putting my feelings on you.  But you are still someone beautiful to me.

Someday I will drift from here, and my life will be beyond your circle of influence.  Someday, I will be far enough that my life will be beyond his influence also.

I brought children into this world through my body.  My body was once their home, and he has caused them to despise me and my body.  How could I ever want someone like that to remain in my life?

I do not know what it would be like with you, but I know I am not your dream girl and I won't try to be either.  It has to be enough just to be myself, as God made me.  I think there are no men anymore who love what God wrought, only the images conjured by men and women intended to compete and entrap.

I cannot be that image, even though it has been shown me over and over.  So I must love from a distance and never become close because the price is too high and I don't have the means to pay.

11:04 PM

I didn't see you today or any of the other days or places. I wonder where you are and if you are okay.  I love you.  I miss you.  I was glad to see your mother was there.  Sometime I hope I will see you again.