I will probably always still look for you, but I think I will try harder to shift my focal point away from you. Focusing on someone who does not want me doesn't really make any sense now does it?
How beautiful you were and are. I will keep sending prayers for you.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Friday, October 30, 2015
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Monday, October 26, 2015
Homelessness
Homelessness is a state of being in a world, an environment, a cultural situation where no comfort or security can be found. Those of us who are poor must live in an unending state of homelessness and hopelessness.
Midnight
This morning, he crawled onto my lap and meowed in a pitiful voice, he who had been our protector and warrior throughout the past year. His beautiful green eyes were dulled with the pain of a dysfunctional liver. He was so weak he stumbled and fell whenever he tried to walk.
We took him to the veterinarian and she administered the poison that would stop his angel heart from beating.We stroked his dark fur softly to let him know he was loved and to help him not to be afraid as he passed into Heaven.
How lonely it will be tomorrow without him. How lonely Christmas will be without him. He was truly a gift to us from God.
Roses of stone
I wait through a lifetime
you give me roses of stone
I walk through forever
with feelings untouched unknown
and yours is the melancholy
thought left to stray
waiting ever for one open day
when hope is not
too far away...
you give me roses of stone
I walk through forever
with feelings untouched unknown
and yours is the melancholy
thought left to stray
waiting ever for one open day
when hope is not
too far away...
Roses of stone
given but still not owned
Heart but a word alone
never part of the everyday.
Yours but a face in a crowd
decoration up on a wall
I think when I see you
You cannot see me at all
And with no expression but that
which you bear
I left my heart of stone there
for your collection
Enjoy your reflection
In you I mourn I grieve
cease all hope
no longer believe
in that dream which drew me here
to pursue that which I most fear
And your life was never
meant to know mine
our futures not meant
to entwine
And mine is the lot to remain alone
receiving your roses of stone.
given but still not owned
Heart but a word alone
never part of the everyday.
Yours but a face in a crowd
decoration up on a wall
I think when I see you
You cannot see me at all
And with no expression but that
which you bear
I left my heart of stone there
for your collection
Enjoy your reflection
In you I mourn I grieve
cease all hope
no longer believe
in that dream which drew me here
to pursue that which I most fear
And your life was never
meant to know mine
our futures not meant
to entwine
And mine is the lot to remain alone
receiving your roses of stone.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Walking through the pearl gates
To walk through the pearl gates
spoken of in Revelations,
would be a great wonder.
I have often wondered
how many of us humans
could really make it to the
level of goodness
to actually be able to
live in Heaven
with God and our Savior.
I think about you every day
but I know you don't have
any return feelings for me.
No man wants a woman with
the problems I have.
We have a cat who is dying.
No better animal exists on
this earth I think.
When my father died,
this cat determinedly adopted us.
He belonged next door,
and we tried not to let him
abandon them but he did.
Our beautiful loving kitty
has liver disease of some sort.
He is very yellow all over
his body under his beautiful
ebony fur.
Once your hair was black
very much like his.
but I know you don't have
any return feelings for me.
No man wants a woman with
the problems I have.
We have a cat who is dying.
No better animal exists on
this earth I think.
When my father died,
this cat determinedly adopted us.
He belonged next door,
and we tried not to let him
abandon them but he did.
Our beautiful loving kitty
has liver disease of some sort.
He is very yellow all over
his body under his beautiful
ebony fur.
Once your hair was black
very much like his.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Fearless
I watched the film "Fearless" tonight.
As I went through the scenes and their meanings and symbols, I considered the place I am and the before and after.
People find their own messages in stories and movies and life experiences. Some experiences, we wonder what is to be gained from or lost.
Fearless explores the significance of a man's life and his disconnection from life and family after an accident.
I struggle with significance in my own life, with meaning and purpose. I know you don't want to be my meaning and purpose. In some respects you are part of those anyway.
As I went through the scenes and their meanings and symbols, I considered the place I am and the before and after.
People find their own messages in stories and movies and life experiences. Some experiences, we wonder what is to be gained from or lost.
Fearless explores the significance of a man's life and his disconnection from life and family after an accident.
I struggle with significance in my own life, with meaning and purpose. I know you don't want to be my meaning and purpose. In some respects you are part of those anyway.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
I heard you
It isn't worth it, is it, being sensitive to the presence of another person who hates me?
Some things just aren't meant to be. There will never be a you for me.
Looking up
Looking up, thinking of you. This was not there, it was a picture from someone else, somewhere else. It expresses how I think of you though
Monday, October 12, 2015
Moshi moshi ano ne
I was looking up wrecks of B 17 and B 24 bombers dear, when I found an obscure reference to Tokyo Mose. Apparently he used this song for his radio show after he took over Tokyo Rose's place on the air during the occupation of Japan. I thought I would share it with you, even though you've probably already heard it before. I will probably learn to sing it.
Liberator Wreck
Thinking
I walked this morning early. I didn't see you but saw your truck in its usual place on the curb.
I don't suppose you will ever wave to me again or acknowledge my presence. That is probably for the best. I wish I could have you wave to me. I wish I could see you every day.
When I'm not here anymore, you won't even notice my absence. When you are gone, my heart feels broken.
I don't suppose you will ever wave to me again or acknowledge my presence. That is probably for the best. I wish I could have you wave to me. I wish I could see you every day.
When I'm not here anymore, you won't even notice my absence. When you are gone, my heart feels broken.
Sunday 12 Oct 2015
Mr. Stoltenberg reminds me of you quite a bit so I downloaded some of his photos since I don't have any of you. I put one here that reminds me of you quite a lot. He doesn't look exactly like you, but there is enough resemblance to make me look twice.
He is about your age, and Secretary General for NATO now. He has Utopian speeches, and appears to be a target of disrespectful people. His activities with NATO appear to be of peaceful intent, aimed toward making sure people are being respectful and law abiding.
I saw you have been growing a beard. It is really beautiful on you.
I know you don't love me but I really loved seeing you yesterday.
I looked to see you after the meetings were over, but I didn't see you.
I know you didn't miss me anyway. I wish you did miss me and that you loved me.
I saw your father. He congratulated my son then he went home.
I took my son home for a while and brought him back. I saw you standing by the wall, by the other door, more beautiful than anyone I can think of.
I love you.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Waving
You and other people have not understood about my reasons for waving to them. I am not waving to say hello. I am waving goodbye in case I never see them again
I say my goodbyes every day, because I'm not sure from one minute to the next if I will still be alive to say goodbye. So many people leave without saying goodbye.
When I am waving to you, I am saying to you "Goodbye, God be with you and watch over you in all paths wherein you may walk, and may He take you swiftly to Him should any harm befall you that you might not suffer."
When I am waving to you, I am saying to you "Goodbye, God be with you and watch over you in all paths wherein you may walk, and may He take you swiftly to Him should any harm befall you that you might not suffer."
Memorial
I've been working on a memory garden for Dad's birthday.
He'd be 81 this week if he were still alive.
After all the weeding, my back is pretty sore, but I used some of the rocks he saved while he was alive and created a heart for him on the corner of the property closest to where his body lies, far far away in Idaho.Making a memory place helps keep hope alive because the emptiness of a loved one's loss is so great. Sometimes it feels we may never see them again to whom we owe so much. Aren't they so worth remembering? And didn't we love them so for taking care of us?
He'd be 81 this week if he were still alive.
After all the weeding, my back is pretty sore, but I used some of the rocks he saved while he was alive and created a heart for him on the corner of the property closest to where his body lies, far far away in Idaho.Making a memory place helps keep hope alive because the emptiness of a loved one's loss is so great. Sometimes it feels we may never see them again to whom we owe so much. Aren't they so worth remembering? And didn't we love them so for taking care of us?
Today
I just wanted to tell you as always, how beautiful you are and how wonderful I think you are and how worth loving you are. Those are things you would never let me tell you, so I just post them on this blog.
I wish I could see you today.
.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Yesterday
Yesterday I saw you, just a glimpse in the distance of you
riding your motorcycle, so straight in perfect balance.
As always, I'm amazed at the beauty of you
and long to know more of the things I never knew
what you eat, where you go, things that friends and lovers know
I wish I could see you every day
see the wind in your hair and the sun on your face
Any time, any day, any place
riding your motorcycle, so straight in perfect balance.
As always, I'm amazed at the beauty of you
and long to know more of the things I never knew
what you eat, where you go, things that friends and lovers know
I wish I could see you every day
see the wind in your hair and the sun on your face
Any time, any day, any place
I only see you sometimes, a mystery
perfection in grace and symmetry
So lovely, full of light
and I always wonder what you are really like
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
I saw you
I didn't hear your truck coming today dear heart, so when I looked up you were already there, passing by me. I couldn't even wave back when you waved
How beautiful you look with your hair turning pale and setting off your blue eyes so well. I once thought you were so beautiful in the past that nothing could improve your looks, but I see now that I was wrong. You are one of those people who ages beautifully, with lovely lines and colors.
I wish you could drive a little slower when you pass our house, so I could see you a little longer and have a little more joy in the moment.
How beautiful you look with your hair turning pale and setting off your blue eyes so well. I once thought you were so beautiful in the past that nothing could improve your looks, but I see now that I was wrong. You are one of those people who ages beautifully, with lovely lines and colors.
I wish you could drive a little slower when you pass our house, so I could see you a little longer and have a little more joy in the moment.
Monday, October 5, 2015
Sunday, October 4, 2015
General Conference October 2015 Saturday Morning Session
I listened to General Conference, yesterday while working in the garden, and today inside the house. I wondered if you did also, but that is invasive thinking isn't it?
I wish we could listen to it together sometime.
Styx - Blue Collar Man
Give me a job, give me security
Give me a chance to survive
I'm just a poor soul in the unemployment line
My God, I'm hardly alive
My mother and father, my wife and my friends
I see them laugh in my face
But I've got the power, and I've got the will
I'm not a charity case
I'll take those long nights, impossible odds
Keeping my eye to the keyhole
If it takes all that to be just what I am
I'm gonna be a blue collar man
Make me an offer that I can't refuse
Make me respectable, man
This is my last time in the unemployment line
So like it or not I'll take those
Long nights, impossible odds
Keeping my back to the wall
If it takes all that to be just what I am
I'm gonna be a blue collar man
Keeping my mind on a better life
When happiness is only a heartbeat away
Paradise, can it be all I heard it was
I close my eyes and maybe I'm already there
Sensation of home
Sometimes I want so much to go home but I don't know where home is. I just know it isn't here in this place. Probably not in Caledonia/Scotland either.
Maybe it isn't anywhere on this earth and I won't ever find it while I'm alive.
When you put your arms around me to hug me after Dad died, I had a brief sensation that I was home.
.
Maybe it isn't anywhere on this earth and I won't ever find it while I'm alive.
When you put your arms around me to hug me after Dad died, I had a brief sensation that I was home.
.
Fading away
How faded and blurry we become as we grow older and more tired, mor set in our ways I suppose and we tend to drift through memories like feathers through holes in the clouds or sand dithering through waves of salt water.
I wonder if you ever feel as I do, if you ever wonder about those things we regret in our lives, the things that ruin and mark them in ways we would rather not see or remember?
We do remember them though, in warping images and melting off key soundtracks like so much worn out videotape.
All I need to remember is that you didn't need me and you couldn't see me.
All I need to remember is that, you want a problem free life, and I will never be problem free.
3 Oct 2015
I saw you today, while I was washing up the dirtiness or today's gardening efforts. I was out on the sidewalk, and you drove up the street in your truck, your beautiful blue truck.
Actually, you are so much more beautiful than the truck. The truck is beautiful because you are in it. You look so attractive in blue.
You waved. I don't think I waved back, but I received the same thrill as I did the last wave you gave me day before yesterday. I wish you had stopped to say hello. I would have felt even more lucky if you had done so.
If only, if only our hearts could be linked in love and mutual respect.
I see you and I long to speak to you of love and life and daily things. I want to make myself part of your existence and have you as part of mine. It is part of the dream I live in, the mythical creation of you, and not the real man.
I could hold onto my marriage as long as I held onto the myth of my husband, not the man. Some parts of the man gave wings to the myth, a vehicle to carry the dream and keep the feelings safe. He encouraged the myth to grow, but then could not fulfill its requirements.
No one should have to live up to the fairy tales built up in the mind of another person.
I am living with my dream of you, and the pleasure is very real when I see you. I don't really know enough about you for a whole relationship to exist. I'm afraid to learn too much about you, and yet, you are the one I long most to know of.
Actually, you are so much more beautiful than the truck. The truck is beautiful because you are in it. You look so attractive in blue.
You waved. I don't think I waved back, but I received the same thrill as I did the last wave you gave me day before yesterday. I wish you had stopped to say hello. I would have felt even more lucky if you had done so.
If only, if only our hearts could be linked in love and mutual respect.
I could hold onto my marriage as long as I held onto the myth of my husband, not the man. Some parts of the man gave wings to the myth, a vehicle to carry the dream and keep the feelings safe. He encouraged the myth to grow, but then could not fulfill its requirements.
No one should have to live up to the fairy tales built up in the mind of another person.
I am living with my dream of you, and the pleasure is very real when I see you. I don't really know enough about you for a whole relationship to exist. I'm afraid to learn too much about you, and yet, you are the one I long most to know of.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Didn't see you
Your text goes here...
Today I nearly finished tearing up the front flowerbed and raked it as smooth as I could. The rain was close when I went in and the neighbors across the street had company from overseas. I was pretty worn out from all the work I put in today. I would have been so happy to see you.
I guess you are making someone happy somewhere else though, lucky person. Doesn't keep me from wishing though. Not hoping, just wishing. Have a good weekend sweetheart. I miss you.
Find M - David Gates with Lyrics
Your text goes here...
I looked for you while I was gardening, but you didn't come.
I was so lucky to see you drive past 2 days in a row,
and even luckier that you waved at me.
It's really something special when you acknowledge
my presence in this world.
I suppose you are spending your weekend
with those you really like.
Sometimes I wish you would find me.
Friday, October 2, 2015
2 October 2015
I saw you yesterday pass by in your truck and you waved.
Thank you for the wave.
The day before when you passed, I only saw the back of your truck
going down the street.
I was sad not to have seen you
but happy to have seen your truck.
I love you.
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